The honeymoon period might be temporary. Does that mean passion has to be?
We have a complicated relationship with the honeymoon period. We romanticize it as the most intoxicating, magical, passionately-in-love time of our lives, and then we dismiss it as infatuation, projection, or a chemically induced delusion that has little to do with real love. Somehow, we believe it's both the realest love and the fakest love. And we're absolutely convinced it has an expiration date.
In this episode of The Desire Lab, we get into the science, psychology, and peculiar contradictions of falling in love. Andrea takes us back to her college years, when falling in love with her now-husband left her wondering why so many of her experiences resembled symptoms she was studying in psychology. Obsessive thoughts, intrusive memories, difficulty sleeping, disproportionate giddiness. Why do we celebrate these experiences when we're falling in love but worry about them in other contexts?
We explore dopamine, oxytocin, vasopressin, pair bonding, and why the intense neurochemical experience of early love cannot reasonably be sustained forever. But here's where we make an important distinction: the honeymoon period may be temporary, but passion, desire, and great sex do not have to be.
Andrea introduces a theory of passion that considers the rate of change in intimacy. When intimacy is growing rapidly, passion can feel particularly intense. But what happens when we've been together for years? Does intimacy inevitably plateau, or can we continue to discover, surprise, and become new versions of ourselves? Andrea argues that the capacity for change doesn't disappear simply because we've been together for decades.
Caroline is interested in a different question: why do we keep chasing a temporary state? We talk about the desire to feel alive, the pleasure of wanting, and why some people spend years trying to recreate their honeymoon period, either within their existing relationship or through the excitement of someone new. Caroline draws on her background in substance use treatment to explore the relationship between reward, craving, and the pursuit of another high. Andrea distinguishes dopamine-driven wanting from liking and pleasure, and we consider what makes early romantic love such an unusual cocktail of both.
Then we get practical. If we can't reproduce the original chemical storm, can we recreate some of the conditions that made the honeymoon period so wonderful? Caroline argues that we can, but it requires intention and attention. Not obligatory date nights, scheduled flirting alarms, or checking romance off a to-do list. Rather, paying attention to our partners as people we still desire, and recognizing that what we attend to shapes how we behave.
We also examine what happens when the honeymoon period changes. During early love, we may be more attentive, flexible, responsive, and eager to please. But when those behaviors naturally settle, partners can experience the change as rejection or even betrayal. The person who once replied to every text immediately now takes three hours, and suddenly we're wondering whether they love us anymore.
Andrea brings in attachment theory to explain why changes in romantic relationships can feel particularly threatening, while Caroline questions whether we need to become better at updating our expectations as our relationships evolve.
We don't conclude that the honeymoon period is fake, nor do we suggest that everyone should spend the rest of their relationship trying to get back to it.
We do agree on something important: the end of the honeymoon period does not have to mean the end of feeling alive, excited, passionate, or deeply in love.
Also discussed: whether falling in love resembles a psychiatric disorder, the existential problem of being permanently high on dopamine, the possibility of having too much of a good thing, and the importance of remembering that sometimes you're just on drugs.
Questions for Home
Are you missing your partner, or are you missing how you felt during the honeymoon period?
What are you paying attention to in your relationship?
Have you updated your expectations since the honeymoon period?
Research & Resources
Romantic Love, Brain Chemistry, and Pair Bonding
Helen E. Fisher, Arthur Aron, and Lucy L. Brown, “Romantic Love: A Mammalian Brain System for Mate Choice,” Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society B 361 (2006): 2173–2186.
Fisher and colleagues explore romantic love as a motivational system associated with reward circuitry, focused attention, and the pursuit of a preferred partner. This provides context for our discussion of why falling in love can feel so consuming and why romantic attraction involves more than simply experiencing pleasure.
Helen E. Fisher, Arthur Aron, Debra Mashek, Haifang Li, and Lucy L. Brown, “Defining the Brain Systems of Lust, Romantic Attraction, and Attachment,” Archives of Sexual Behavior 31 (2002): 413–419.
An influential theoretical account distinguishing lust, romantic attraction, and attachment as related but partially distinct systems. It offers useful context for the distinction we make between the intense experience of falling in love and the capacity to sustain attachment and sexual desire over time.
Andrea J. Medaris, “You Might Be Wrong About Everything,” Andrea J. Medaris Newsletter.
Andrea expands on the personal story she shares in this episode about falling in love with Adam while studying psychology. She explores the similarities between overwhelming positive experiences and traumatic experiences, including intrusive memories, changes in self-perception, and the possibility that falling in love can fundamentally reorganize our understanding of ourselves. She also discusses how this experience shaped her undergraduate research, doctoral dissertation, and ongoing work on self-expansion in long-term relationships.
Passion and Changing Intimacy
Roy F. Baumeister and Ellen Bratslavsky, “Passion, Intimacy, and Time: Passionate Love as a Function of Change in Intimacy,” Personality and Social Psychology Review 3, no. 1 (1999): 49–67.
This is particularly relevant to Andrea's discussion of passion as a function of changing intimacy. The authors propose that passion may be especially intense when intimacy is increasing rapidly, rather than simply when intimacy is high. The theory raises an important question for long-term relationships: does passion necessarily decline as intimacy stabilizes, or can continued growth and change create new opportunities for passion?
Wanting, Liking, and Reward
Kent C. Berridge and Terry E. Robinson, “Parsing Reward,” Trends in Neurosciences 26, no. 9 (2003): 507–513.
Berridge and Robinson distinguish components of reward, including wanting and liking. Their work helps explain why motivation to pursue something and pleasure in experiencing it are not identical. This distinction is central to our conversation about dopamine, romantic pursuit, and the desire to experience the honeymoon high again.
Long-Term Romantic Love
Bianca P. Acevedo, Arthur Aron, Helen E. Fisher, and Lucy L. Brown, “Neural Correlates of Long-Term Intense Romantic Love,” Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience 7, no. 2 (2012): 145–159.
This study examines neural responses among individuals reporting intense romantic love after many years of marriage. Its findings challenge the assumption that intense romantic love must disappear with time, while distinguishing enduring romantic attachment from some of the obsessive features associated with early-stage attraction.
Attachment and Relationship Security
Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver, “Romantic Love Conceptualized as an Attachment Process,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 52, no. 3 (1987): 511–524.
A foundational paper applying attachment theory to adult romantic relationships. It provides context for Andrea's discussion of why changes in a romantic bond may activate fears of rejection, abandonment, or loss, even when those changes do not necessarily indicate a decline in love or commitment.
