Experiment 004: How Do We Talk About Sex? Feedback, Fear, and Getting Back on the Path
Giving feedback is hard. Receiving feedback is hard. Giving and receiving feedback about sex? That can feel like an entirely different level of vulnerability.
Sexual feedback can be as simple as harder, slower, more of that. But it can also open much bigger questions about desire, fantasies, frequency, relationship structure, changing bodies, changing interests, and whether one partner can actually meet everything the other wants.
In this episode of The Desire Lab, Caroline and Andrea explore why sexual feedback can feel so high stakes, and why the fear underneath it is often bigger than the feedback itself. They talk about defensiveness, the fear of not being enough, internal feedback and "shoulds," changing relationship agreements, sexual self-disclosure, and what it looks like to receive feedback without turning it into criticism.
Along the way: Pandora's box, dishwashers, bisexual husbands, workplace performance reviews, investment portfolios, Andrea's feedback-superhero partner, and the possibility that good sexual feedback is really just one person saying to another, Come back over here. I want you on the path with me.
Questions to Take Home:
What happens inside me when my partner gives me sexual feedback? Do I hear information, criticism, rejection, or something else?
When was the last time I explicitly invited my partner to tell me what they want, enjoy, miss, or are curious about?
Are there assumptions or "terms" in our sexual relationship that we have never actually discussed, and might some of them need to evolve?
Research & Resources
Sexual Communication & Satisfaction
Mallory, A. B., Stanton, A. M., & Handy, A. B. (2019). “Couples' Sexual Communication and Dimensions of Sexual Function: A Meta-Analysis.” The Journal of Sex Research. Sexual communication was positively associated with multiple dimensions of sexual function across 48 studies.
Mallory, A. B. (2022). “Dimensions of Couples' Sexual Communication, Relationship Satisfaction, and Sexual Satisfaction: A Meta-Analysis.” Journal of Family Psychology. Across studies, sexual communication was positively associated with both relationship and sexual satisfaction, with communication quality showing particularly strong associations.
Jones, A. C., Robinson, W. D., & Seedall, R. B. (2018). “The Role of Sexual Communication in Couples' Sexual Outcomes.” Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. In a study of 142 couples, sexual communication was associated with sexual satisfaction, relationship satisfaction, and sexual outcomes for both partners.
Sexual Self-Disclosure
MacNeil, S., & Byers, E. S. (2009). “Role of Sexual Self-Disclosure in the Sexual Satisfaction of Long-Term Heterosexual Couples.” The Journal of Sex Research. Sharing sexual preferences can help partners better understand one another's wants and create more mutually rewarding sexual experiences.
Rehman, U. S., Rellini, A. H., & Fallis, E. (2011). “The Importance of Sexual Self-Disclosure to Sexual Satisfaction and Functioning in Committed Relationships.” The Journal of Sexual Medicine. Sexual self-disclosure was significantly associated with sexual satisfaction and functioning for both men and women.
Responsiveness, Intimacy & Feeling Heard
Laurenceau, J. P., Barrett, L. F., & Rovine, M. J. (2005). “The Interpersonal Process Model of Intimacy in Marriage.” Journal of Family Psychology. Intimacy was supported not only by self-disclosure, but by feeling that a partner responded with understanding, validation, and care.
Bergeron, S., et al. (2024). “Intimacy Promotes Couples' Sexual Well-Being on a Daily Basis.” Daily intimacy, including self-disclosure and responsive partner behaviour, was associated with better sexual well-being in couples.
Changing Relationship Agreements
Stewart, J. L., et al. (2021). “Consensual Non-Monogamy Relationship Rules Among Young Gay and Bisexual Men.” Archives of Sexual Behavior. Research on consensual non-monogamy highlights the importance of explicit agreements and boundaries when partners negotiate sexual relationships beyond assumed monogamy.
