Experiment 003: Who Initiates Sex? Pressure, Rejection, and Safe Ass-Grabbing
Summary
Who initiates sex in your relationship? Who wishes the other person would initiate more? And when did a flirtatious touch become something that makes you tense up and think, Oh God, what do they want from me?
Initiation can carry far more meaning than the simple act itself. For one partner, initiating sex can be an invitation towards connection and reassurance: I still want you. Do you want me? For the other, that same gesture can land as pressure, obligation, or one more person asking something of them.
In this episode of The Desire Lab, Caroline and Andrea explore how couples get caught in these feedback loops, and why both people’s experiences can be valid at the same time. They talk about desire discrepancy, rejection, “touched out” parents, disgust and conditioned responses, postpartum sexuality, pleasure, transitions, and the difference between general sexual touch and touch that is a direct request for sex.
Along the way: plant stores, saunas, needy babies, oxytocin, vibrators looking for sponsorship opportunities, sexual vibes, and a clinical intervention involving more safety and a little more ass grabbing.
Questions to Take Home:
When my partner initiates intimacy, what meaning do I immediately attach to it, and is that meaning actually what they intend?
Does physical affection in our relationship have room to be flirtatious, sensual, or sexual without automatically becoming an invitation to have sex?
What could help us make the transition into intimacy feel less jarring and more like part of the ongoing rhythm of our relationship?
Research & Resources
Desire Discrepancy in Long-Term Relationships
Arenella, K., Girard, A., & Connor, J. (2024). “Desire Discrepancy in Long-Term Relationships: A Qualitative Study With Diverse Couples.” Family Process, 63(3), 1201–1216. Sexual desire discrepancy is common in long-term relationships, and couples’ experiences show that the distress around the discrepancy can be as important as the difference in desire itself.
Clark, A. N., Walters, T. L., & Lefkowitz, E. S. (2024). “‘It’s an Ongoing Discussion About Desire’: Adults’ Strategies for Managing Sexual and Affectionate Desire Discrepancies in Romantic Relationships.” Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 50(3), 669–686. Participants described multiple ways of navigating discrepancies in both sexual and affectionate desire, including communication, alternative behaviours, and ongoing negotiation.
Affectionate Touch & Connection
Jakubiak, B. K., & Feeney, B. C. (2017). “Affectionate Touch to Promote Relational, Psychological, and Physical Well-Being in Adulthood: A Theoretical Model and Review of the Research.” Personality and Social Psychology Review, 21(3), 228–252.
This review examines how affectionate touch can communicate availability, responsiveness, and security while supporting relational and psychological wellbeing.
Disgust, Conditioning & Sexual Response
Pawłowska, A., Borg, C., de Jong, P. J., & Both, S. (2020). “The Effect of Differential Disgust Conditioning and Subsequent Extinction Versus Counterconditioning Procedures on Women’s Sexual Responses to Erotic Stimuli.” Behaviour Research and Therapy, 134, 103714. Experimental research demonstrates that disgust responses can become associated with previously sexually arousing stimuli, offering useful context for the conditioned “cringe” response discussed in the episode.
Sexuality After Childbirth
Grussu, P., Vicini, B., & Quatraro, R. M. (2021). “Sexuality in the Perinatal Period: A Systematic Review of Reviews and Recommendations for Practice.” Sexual & Reproductive Healthcare, 30, 100668. Research shows substantial changes in sexuality during pregnancy and postpartum, influenced by interacting physical, hormonal, psychological, relational, and contextual factors rather than one universal postpartum experience.
